David

On Sunday, I got to spend an hour at Campaigners worshipping and learning surrounded by my high school friends and my YL team. We were talking about a verse in Psalms when my teammate, Dave, mentioned David (because he was a contributor to Psalms) and it is so cool how the Lord sent my heart and mind spinning.

We were discussing "How does God feel about me?" and I realized how loaded that question really is. Way more than I thought at first! There is the typical "God loves me no matter what" answer- but that just wasn't cutting it for me tonight. I've done too much, read too much of what God says, and had a relationship with Him too long for that statement to satisfy me completely. I'm not saying it's untrue- no, no... but I am saying I think there is a lot more to that story. And my mind started running when David was mentioned.

Here's a little of what I know about David- David wrote a huge chunk of Psalms. David is known as "a man after God's own heart."

"The Lord has sought out a man after his own heart and appointed him leader of his people."

1 Samuel 13:14

"After removing Saul, he made David their king. He testified concerning him,

'I have found David, son of Jesse, a man after my own heart;

he will do everything I want him to do.'"

Acts 13:22

David was a mighty warrior and a great king. David was in Jesus' lineage. David slept with Bathsheba (who was another man's wife) and then because he wanted her for himself, had her husband killed. Wait! What?! David, "a man after God's own heart," did that?? Yep- quite a mess, huh? And so it comes as no surprise that he reminds me of myself. My desire is to be after God's heart, to know him more every day, and to please and glorify him... and yet there are so many messes- so many distracting 'Bathshebas' in my life. I do things all the time that I know must upset and anger the Lord! So while I know that his love is unceasing and his compassions new every morning (Lamentations 3:22-23), I also know that he deserves more than I give him and there must be a consequence for that. And honestly, if nothing else, I live out that consequence every day that I don't obey. It's called a life half-full. And it sucks. But I still believe that there is nothing I can do to make God love me any more or any less- so why even obey? What does it mean to be a woman after God's heart?

I think it means that there is a craving in my heart that I can't explain away. A desire that can only be fulfilled by One. A crying out that had been heard and answered. As much as this world tells me lies- as much as I tell myself lies- the truth is that I am spoken for and that is why I obey. I submit because I am loved. I surrender because I know I am safe.

"He who conceals his sins does not prosper,

but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy."

Proverbs 28:13

"'Then neither do I condemn you,' Jesus declared.

'Go now and leave your life of sin.'"

John 8:11

"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;

a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise."

Psalm 51:17

So what does God think of me? Honestly that is a hard question to answer and until I meet him face-to-face, I won't ever have the complete answer. But I do know that God wants me. All of me. And when I hold back I hurt myself and I hurt the God of the universe! It seems crazy that his love for me could be so great that as small as I am, my actions could wound Him! And so I have become convinced- partially by looking at David's life, and partly by looking at my own- that God loves me and that he can and will use me. He will use a little of me if that's all I give him- but honestly, that's lame. The God of the universe wants to use all of me for his glory- he wants to know me like he knew David, he wants to have a relationship with me like the one David sings about in Psalms, and he wants me to leave a legacy like David's. David wasn't perfect, and neither am I. But he was after God's heart and that is my greatest desire.

"But now, this is what the Lord says-

he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel:

'Fear not, for I have redeemed you;

I have summoned you by name; you are mine.'"

Isaiah 43:1

Truthfully,

B