How did I get here?

Do you ever look around and wonder, "How in the world did I get here?" I have had that thought creep into my mind so many times over the past few weeks- sometimes it comes in a beautiful burst of gratefulness, and sometimes it shows up in the darkest of valleys.

I wonder how in the world am I already twenty-two years old with 4 years of college behind me! I look around and ask, 'Waynesboro?! Really?!' and yet there is nowhere in the world I'd rather be! There are days that I am at work and I cannot figure out for the life of me how I ended up working in the marketing field at Chick-fil-A of all places. Sometimes I still wonder who was crazy enough to let me start leading Young Life back in the spring of 2007, and yet daily grateful, not that I am a blessing in high schoolers lives, but that they bless mine so much.

And then there are those dark valleys I mentioned- this past week has been a hard one and it has been obvious to all of the people close to me (and all of those who have no choice but to put up with me day in and day out at work). For starters, I've always known that the weather had a pretty direct effect on my disposition, but man the rain this past week took me to an all-time low. (One rainy day, I guess I was being particularly transparent, and my boss took notice and told me, "We need to get you some sunshine!!") There were so many times last week that I thought, "poor me," and an equal number of times that I thought, "How did I get here? This is not me! I know Jesus and he is the author and perfecter of JOY! Who is this sad little person I have become?"

...and yet in all of that wondering, I am convinced that God is faithful and sovereign and his plan is perfect and his ways are so much higher than mine!

"As for God, his way is perfect;

the word of the Lord is flawless."

Psalm 18:30

"'For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

neither are your ways my ways,' declares the Lord.

'As the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways

and my thoughts than your thoughts.'"

Isaiah 55:8-9

It doesn't matter what I can and cannot fathom, because my God is unfathomable and he does whatever pleases him (Job 23:13 & Psalm 115:3). I willingly gave up my right to control my own life a long time ago.

"I know, O Lord, that a man's life is not his own;

it is not for man to direct his steps."

Jeremiah 10:23

It was far more than the weather that made this past week a tough one, and my heart has been sad and burdened. I had put so much of my faith and hope and found so much of my worth in earthly things and people that I was completely crushed when these things and people let me down. But where did I get the idea that things here would only lift me up and never disappoint me? God never promised me that! However, he did say that he would be there through every stumble, fall, and long, miserable slide into the deepest valleys. God is faithful even when I am not (2 Timothy 2:13)!!

"Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,

and he saved them from their distress.

He brought them out of darkness and the deepest gloom

and broke away their chains.

Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love

and his wonderful deeds for men,

for he breaks down gates of bronze

and cuts through bars of iron."

Psalm 107:13-16

"The Lord is faithful to all his promises

and loving toward all he has made.

The Lord upholds all those who fall

and lifts up all who are bowed down."

Psalm 145:13b-14

How is it possible, that God can remember me- enough to die for me before I even existed- that he can love me enough to promise to never forsake me (no matter what I do- and he knows it all... heck he knew it before I did it!)-

"What is man that you are mindful of him,

the son of man that you care for him?"

Hebrews 2:6

"...be content with what you have, because God has said,

'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.'"

Hebrews 13:5

And yet at every turn I forget and forsake him?

"But I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt.

You shall acknowledge no God but me, no Savior except me.

I cared for you in the desert, in the land of burning heat.

When I fed them, they were satisfied;

when they were satisfied, they became proud;

then they forgot me."

Hosea 13: 4-6

"Yet I hold this against you:

You have forsaken your first love."

Revelation 2:4

My ups and downs are so easily determined by the way things are around me- my job, my relationships, the weather!! And yet this makes no sense when I realize that the God that I have committed my entire life to is completely, 100% consistent and he never changes!

The Lord has been teaching me so much and revealing himself to me in such sweet ways at church. Even after a tough week and a hard, hard Saturday night, I just knew I needed to be in that building at 11am Sunday morning. And God met me! (But doesn't he always when I show up??) Tab is a Presbyterian church, so they have a lot of Presbyterian-type stuff in the service at times, which I don't mind, but sometimes it makes me chuckle and other times I'm caught off guard with how tightly it grabs at my heart- like this Sunday. One of the "Westminster Catechism" questions this Sunday was, "What is the chief end of man?" And the answer was, "Man's chief end is to glorify God, and to enjoy him forever." I'm pretty sure my life has not brought glory and honor to the Lord lately, and all he really wants from me is that I would enjoy him!! That's pretty sweet! Essen talked about our souls' cry for meaning and purpose and worth. Uhh.. YES! Ok, if I wasn't before, I'm listening now. He said that our hearts are restless (true!!) and that they will only find peace when they find rest in God- how often do I tell my high school friends this exact fact? And yet I cannot wrap my mind around it or get my life to represent it for the life of me! He said, so truthfully, that nothing on earth will "staunch the bleeding" of my heart. And man my heart was bleeding this week!

"My flesh and my heart may fail,

but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

Psalm 73:26

I am not worthless! As often as Satan may whisper that lie in my ear, I am not!! How could I be worthless when I bear the image of the most high God?! How could I be without value when I am daughter of the King and called beloved by the creator of all things?! It's simply not possible.

"Find rest my soul in God alone

amid the world's temptations;

when evil seeks to take a hold

I'll cling to my salvation.

Though riches come and riches go,

don't set your heart upon them;

The fields of hope in which I sow

are harvested in heaven."

-My Soul Finds Rest in God Alone (Psalm 62)

"...there will be a day

with no more tears,

no more pain,

and no more fears.

There will be a day

when the burdens of this place

will be no more,

we'll see Jesus face-to-face..."

-'There Will Be A Day' Jeremy Camp

"And the God of all grace,

who called you to his eternal glory in Christ,

after you've suffered a little while,

will himself restore you and make you

strong, firm, and steadfast."

1 Peter 5:10

So how did I get here? Yes, that is the question- how did I get to live another day, breathe another breath, get another chance to glorify God and to enjoy him? Only by God's grace and mercy! Did I mention that He is faithful?? (:

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess,

for he who promised is faithful."

Hebrews 10:23

"We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you."

2 Chronicles 20:12

broken, yet hopeful...

B