Dearly Loved

This past weekend, all of the Young Life leaders in our area snuck away to Smith Mountain Lake for the weekend to be together- there were 25 of us total sharing a house. (In usual YL fashion- the girls were upstairs, the boys stayed downstairs.) I usually look forward to "Leader Weekend" with great anticipation, but this year my excitement was dulled and lukewarm as I looked ahead to a weekend without my closest leader friend (who recently got married and moved to be on YL staff in another area) and with nine brand new leaders that I didn't know at all. I am not a big crowd person in the first place, I would much rather invest my heart and time in a few people than spread myself thin to know a larger group halfheartedly.

Things didn't start out on the greatest foot; I had to work Friday evening, so I wasn't able to ride down with the rest of my team- but ultimately this turned out to be an incredible blessing because I was able to ride with my friend Candi who leads at Stuarts Draft High School. So after a 2 1/2 hour drive on the craziest roads ever, we show up to the house dead last. After I take a deep breath, we walk into the living room and I am instantly overwhelmed by the cheers, I wanted to crawl in a hole (fact about Bethany: she hates to be recognized and made a big deal of in front of a crowd- even a crowd of 5); I am thinking: 'why didn't I make up some excuse not to come to this thing?!' Thankfully we got started pretty much right away and I wasn't forced to make small talk for too long (I know how all of this sounds- but

"For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks."

Matthew 12:34

and you are getting my overflow right now).

I love leadership. I love the people. I love the worship. I love hearing other leaders' hearts for lost high school kids. I love eating together. I love seeing friends that I don't normally get to see because we are too busy hanging out with high schoolers to hang out with each other. So when I moved to Waynesboro and started this job and when leadership got moved super far away, I was pretty sad that it wasn't a given anymore that I'd be able to be at leadership every week.

When my friend and teammate Wil first picked up his guitar Friday night, I got over myself real fast and stopped being bitter (for the time being at least).

"Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs.

Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord."

Ephesians 5:19

The weekend was still incredibly uncomfortable and challenging, but God had plans for me and my hardened heart- doesn't he always?

I got to finish out the evening with a raw, honest conversation with one of my friends who I respect and love so much! Her tears were the visible expression of what I was feeling inside. I confessed to her that for the first time in my life, I am not only unsure of the Lord's calling, but I am hearing him clearly and saying, 'NO!' Oh what a broken, broken place to be!

But God had bigger plans for me than I could imagine.

Every now and then I feel like there is a quote that really embodies what the Lord is trying to teach me in a season of my life. I have kept a journal over the past 5 years or so and it is perpetually with me... just in case. These journals document my every thought, fear, frustration, prayer, hope, and inspiration. A lot of times the thoughts that show up written on the pages of my journals aren't found anywhere else.

Lately, though, I feel like I have been scrambling for time for anything, let alone spending time alone with my God, my thoughts, and my pen. That was one of the biggest blessings of the whole weekend at the lake. Time alone. And God completely overwhelmed me with words full of truth- quotes from his Word and from other wise people and books.

I have been so hard and so stubborn, but I wanted to be wrecked. I honestly craved that. And he started to chip away at the walls I'd put up around my heart- the heart that I gave back to him a long time ago. The heart that is his and not my own.

"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you;

I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh."

Ezekiel 36:26

Here are some of the words of truth he impressed on my heart this weekend from worship songs we sang together, books we read, and his own sweet Word:

"By thy mercy, O deliver us,

good Lord, good Lord

From the hardening power of sin...

From the pride that lurks within."

-'By Thy Mercy' High Street Hymns

He desires to deliver me! He says,

"I long to redeem them..."

Hosea 7:13

Saturday morning we were given time to spend with the Lord, and we were asked to spend time reading 1 Thessalonians 5:12-22. But God knew what I actually needed to hear and he took me past those verses to 23-24. These words kept tearing at me all weekend.

"May God himself, the God of peace,

sanctify you through and through.

May your whole spirit, soul, and body be kept blameless

at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.

The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it."

1 Thessalonians 5:23-24

He wants me to be pure and blameless... which is something I have NO idea how to be. But he is faithful!! And thank goodness he says HE will do it! I don't have to do a thing but be willing!

"Even when the rain falls

Even when the flood starts rising

Even when the storm comes

I am washed by the water."

-'Washed by the Water' Needtobreathe

I am washed. I am cleansed. I am purified. That is truth, truth that Jesus died for, even when I am stuck feeling so dirty and shameful.

"Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;

wash me, and I will be whiter than snow."

Psalm 51:7

God spent the entire weekend loving me and pursuing me and calling me back to him.

It was really sweet time.

"My heart and flesh cry out

For you the living God

Your spirit's water to my soul

I've tasted and I've seen

Come once again to me

I will draw near to you, I will draw near to you."

-'Better is One Day'

I've tasted and I've seen him, so how could I not draw near to him? He calls me treasured (Deuteronomy 26:18) and beloved (Song of Songs 6:3)- how beautiful!

Saturday afternoon, Dave gave us a book, "Intimacy with the Almighty" by Chuck Swindoll, and asked us to go off by ourselves for an hour to read this tiny little book. Word after word of truth jumped off the page at me. My life has been one frantic moment after the next lately and he finally shouted at me to just STOP!

"God never guides us to an intolerable scramble of panting feverishness."

"Noise and words and frenzied hectic schedules dull our senses, closing our ears to his still, small voice and making us numb to his touch."

"Nothing under his control can ever be out of control."

"Noise and crowds have a way of siphoning our energy and distracting our attention, making prayer an added chore rather than a comforting relief."

-"Intimacy with the Almighty"

I gave my heart and my life to God back in high school- so who do I think I am to pretend it is mine now?

I am not my own!

"You are not your own; you were bought at a price."

1 Corinthians 6:19b-20a

Now how am I going to live this season of my life? This year? This month? This week? This day? This moment? As if I am my own? Or am I ready to start living again in the truth that I am not my own, I don't know best, and finally let God lead me away from the "intolerable scramble of panting feverishness" mess that I got myself into and to the green pastures and quiet waters he promises me?

"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,

He leads me beside quiet waters,

He restores my soul."

Psalm 23:1-3a

Like I said in my first post-

'Be loved.' Because that is what we were created for- nothing more, nothing less.

B